; the art of keeping it real

x posted from fb. "A Tribute"

2008-09-02T07:53:46Z

I don't know why I'm sitting here at midnight, unable to sleep or turn my brain off. I've been itching to write for months; itching to feel the familiar keys slip beneath my fingers. However this was not the kind of thing I wanted to write..not in a million years. Though, there's something therapeutic about writing, and I think anyone who enjoys it knows the feeling I'm desperately trying to describe. It's a lot like flying in some ways - it's a breathless, feel-your-heart-in-your-th

roat feeling and it can also be scary and frightening. It captures raw emotion - threading and weaving feelings and thoughts into something thought provoking. I only hope I've done my emotions and the emotions of others justice.

Thoughts are the problem these days, I think. There are too many of them out there, too many bad thoughts and not enough of the good ones. I never wanted to write my personal accounts of tragedy; never wanted to acknowledge something this terrible could happen in my own city, to my own network of people. I'm not the first, nor will I be the last person to express my thoughts or views on what happened..and I don't mean to step on any toes. It's just something that has been haunting me as it's been haunting those affected.

I remember sitting on a couch, with a puppy sprawled in my lap. I was listening to the news, only to hear that "moments ago, a truck crashed through a restaurant in Maple Ridge." I don't know why, but when anything bad happens, I instantly think of my Mom. Perhaps it's because I received a phone call years ago telling me to "Please come to the hospital. Your Mom's in Emergency." Words no one should have to hear - about any member of their family, or a friend.

I called Kiley, knowing Sharon was out. I called Travis, knowing he was out too. The woman I was house sitting for works at Royal Columbian in Emergency..and she tended to those brought there, something I'd find out days later. I didn't hear much more about it until the next morning when I found out a friend's mother had been killed.

I lost it. I'm not terribly close to her, but knowing that she lost something so dear broke my heart. I didn't want to even think that I might know or live with anyone who knew the other victim, nor did I want to think I knew and had talked to the boy and girl hit by the truck as well. I eventually stumbled across Maija-Liisa's name, and after being comforted by Kiley and her Mom, I bore the bad news. It felt surreal, to go from mourning the loss of a friend's parent (a woman I had never met) to telling my own surrogate family that a girl they had watched grow up was also killed. We cried in our living room, trying to make sense of what our world has come to. Between wars and drugs, drive-by's and freak accidents, we didn't need to know two innocent lives had been taken for what appears to be no reason. Lives of those present, those hurt, those who witnessed the tragedy - they will forever be affected. Our entire community has been affected, because well..I'm almost positive everyone here has either eaten in, driven by or stopped in a store next to Halu sushi. The owners themselves are kind, warm-hearted people..people I shared laughs with when Malcolm and I used to eat there after school.

I don't think I was thinking straight when I asked Kailey if it was Maija-Liisa, only to be told that it was her little brother Joel, and her little sister Juanita who had been pinned and struck by the truck as well. That's four people out of however many were there that I knew or knew of through a variety of connections. Four people that could have just as easily been three blocks down at another store, or at home or across the street. Four people that could have been anyone else that I know, including myself considering I often frequent Halu when I'm by myself.

I know it's almost selfish to cry, when there's no way I can possibly understand the grief for Maija-Liisa's friends and family, nor can I understand the grief Jessica is going through after losing her mom, and I can't even truly comprehend how Kailey's family is feeling either but I do sympathize and feel sincerely at a loss. I remember hospitals, I remember that kick to the stomach when you realize you've lost something you treasure beyond measure. I understand loss, through my Mom's accident and through the death of an old friend years ago as well as a recent passing in my surrogate family. But loss is never easy, never the same no matter how similiar the event.

The littlest things have set me to tears this weekend - each time I watch the news or hear something, or see a picture or a comment concerning the tragedy, tears fall. I only wish that something would have stopped Brian Irving from destroying the lives of two very special women, and causing damage to two other very special children, as well as emotional damage to those present.

I couldn't even stand to see the memorial. At one in the morning, I gathered enough courage to go with Kiley and Chelsea. I don't think I even took two steps before I lost control and started sobbing. That might seen odd, might seem rude; but this has affected me in ways I can't explain. My nature is to comfort and this, well this just shredded my heart to pieces. I held onto my sweater, watching the candles flicker and Jessica, Dianna and another girl who I didn't see clearly watching the three of us, on the other side, unable to approach.

We were grieving for you, Jess. For your mother. For Maija-Liisa. For Joel and Juanita. For anyone who has ever felt loss, in one way or another. For the loss of sanity in our world, where two people who were enjoying their lives lost theirs for no fault of their own.

The memorial is beautiful. I'm so happy that our community has rallied together to prove that these women will never be forgotten. I know they feel us, I know they sense our grief - the double rainbow proves it. Even writing this, I have tears rolling down my cheeks. Their deaths were unplanned, unwarranted but I believe that they will rest happily, knowing that they can continue to shine down on their loved ones.

As for Joel, and Juanita, I believe strongly that they will overcome this and find a way to prove that a mother and a young woman didn't lose their lives in vain. I think they saved them, because both of those women were known to be so kind, so loving, so full of life.

Maple Ridge, we must stay together and help these families grieve their losses. We have to pay tribute to memories, to lives and to the love these women had for others. It's gone in an instant, something we all learned that awful day.

I just want to know that there's some good left in world...

stop.

2008-08-30T19:09:12Z

stop slamming the door.
stop being so childish.
stop thinking that everyone needs to jump to your requests.
stop thinking you're the greatest human being on earth.
stop taking advantage.
stop being so selfish.
stop.
just stop.
stop sayings things without thinking.
stop littering.
stop pretending.
stop.

All I ask is for you to grow into someone I want to be around again.

in transit.

2008-08-08T23:22:47Z

so I feel like I'm caught between a bunch of different ideals. A bunch of different goals. I actually feel like I'm drowning. I'm teetering on this edge of my future, and honest to god I'm about to snap some bones. I want things to get moving; to stop the damned slow time warp. I have, as usual, little to no motivation and I'm trying to BREATHE life into the remnaints of things. Hello future, where the HELL are you?

Waiting on my katima-package. Waiting on Ki's return from Halifax to celebrate. WAITING to sheep to drop from the sky and pigs to fly.

You know, the usual Hailee babble. Yup.

the unknown craiglists post

2008-08-01T07:45:32Z

"Yes, this post is for you. I don't have to give initials, it's for you.

I love you. I will always love you. You are wonderful and you are an amazing person. I see how hard you try every day and I think that it's truly wonderful.

I know that sometimes you feel alone and scared and sad. I know you doubt your choices at times, but I think that you are so brave for making them. I know you worry that people don't really accept you as you are, but I accept you. I really like you. I like everything about you, good and not so good. I wouldn't change anything about you except that I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. When I look at you I see someone beautiful, intelligent, caring, kind-hearted and unique. I see all of the potential you have inside of you to do good and to make a positive mark on the world. I see how the steps on the path in front of you, difficult though they may sometimes be, will lead you to fulfillment. Your fulfillment is as different as anyone else's, but I know you can find it as long as you persevere and learn. As long as you seek all opportunities to grow. As long as you love freely and let go of old hurts. As long as you believe in yourself like I believe in you everything will work out.

I know sometimes you question whether I even exist. I do. I promise. I'm a person just like you and I feel those same highs and lows. I hurt so much I can't take another step sometimes, but then the trees rustle in the wind or the sun shines through a hole in a raincloud and I think of you and I find that I am so happy my heart feels like it can't contain all of my joy.

This is the depth of my love for you. It will not end and it will not fade over time. I believe in you. I truly believe in you, so please hold on. We can get through this together. We're under the same sky."

I somehow stumbled across this on Craigslist, and I don't think anything has ever hit me harder. This sums up so much...so many of the things Travis has wanted to say to me (and finally said tonight, after a week and a half of emotional torture for both of us) and the things I've wanted to say to him, too. It's funny how you and a hundred other people can feel the same way about a hundred and one other people all at the same time.

I'm surviving. Not in ways I imaged, but I'm pulling my weight and trying to stay gold.

trip me silly.

2008-07-15T06:50:44Z

I have a lot of things to look forward to in the coming months; which is comforting, frighteningly wonderful and rare for me. July alone, I can now look forward to White Rock, Hannah's birthday and a yearbook potluck (hopefully soon). In August, I'll be leaving for Gabriola for a week away with my grandma, Travis and my brother. I haven't been to my island in almost three years. That's very upsetting. Also in August is a camping trip hopefully, and perhaps a couple of downtown adventures. Come mid August and September and the beginning of October, I'll be looking forhave a job just to save up some extra before I take off for Katimavik. I'll be away for 9 months.

Nine months. Long enough to start another life, literally. Long enough to grow, and mature and finalize my plans to stop letting people like /her/ get away with their attitudes. Once I come home, I'll be free.

This is exciting, and scary, and oh so wonderful and I can't wait.

t-minus a year.

2008-05-28T01:34:58Z

This is one of those times when I feel like I should have gotten my license. I want to go to the dike, with the dog, and roam around. Instead, I'm forced to remain local, and bored and sick of the same old adventures.

blitzkriegx @ 2008-05-14T08:08:00

2008-05-14T15:08:49Z

Just a note.

I HATE BEING A PROCRASTINATOR.

*flails.
I'm drowning in Biology. :( But at least I have 2 binders of other people's completed work. :]

too much

2008-05-04T10:17:24Z

this night has been too much. between kyle breaking down, josh's car accident, kiley lost/cold and not being able to get a hold of travis, I can't think. My brain is in a lot of pain.

blitzkriegx @ 2008-05-03T11:15:00

2008-05-03T18:20:25Z

Last night Kiley asked me what I wanted for a grad present. Usually people instantly know what they want, etc. I find that when I think about it, I have everything (technology wise) that I need/want. I have a fully functioning laptop, a pretty stellar digital camera, a cellphone (it is falling apart, but it's functional) and now, an iPod. I have money, I have a house, a bed, animals, three jobs.

I'm content. I have friends, I have my boyfriend, I have family. I'm actually in a good place.

I just need to concentrate on my bloody homework again, and then I'll be set.

ps: I am stoked for Opeth on Tuesday, my grad dress fitting tomorrow, Toronto in the summer, Breastfest and Bumbershoot encore.
I'm also stoked for going to the Pemberton Music Festival for free, thanks to my job. :]

blitzkriegx @ 2008-04-21T16:56:00

2008-04-21T23:57:59Z

Oden, Sheila, money.

This week I have spent far too much money. After my next paycheck, I'm going to allot myself $100 for a two week period and try to only spend what I need. I've treated myself and other people to too many things this week.

the only things i want to spend money on in the near future are:

a mothers day gift
hair touched up/re-dyed.

So far my sources of income are as follows.
Baileys - 250/month
Ministry - 285/month
Oden. - 350/month
-
885ish a month.

I'm going to start putting at least $400 away a month. I can do this. My financial stability goal will be $2000.
Educational goal? Grad Transition. Biology. History. Pass fucking Grade 12.

In other news, days like today make me miss having someone around who made sure I was happy. Someone who used to use every resource just to hear my laugh. I miss the best friends. I feel socially inept, as per usual. /emo.

Off to work I go.

To Do

2008-04-16T04:08:03Z

Wednesday - Work at 5:30
Thursday - House key before 3, Biology and History (spares)
Friday - Tanning@11, date with Travis
Saturday - Homework. Clean room, etc. Training date with Oden.
Sunday - Tanning@11., retrieve check, Training date with Oden.

This week I have spent far too much money. After my next paycheck, I'm going to allot myself $100 for a two week period and try to only spend what I need. I've treated myself and other people to too many things this week.

the only things i want to spend money on in the near future are:

a mothers day gift
a tube and new tire for Travis' bike
hair touched up/re-dyed.

So far my sources of income are as follows.
Baileys - 250/month
Ministry - 285/month
Oden. - 350/month
-
885ish a month.

I'm going to start putting at least $400 away a month. I can do this. My financial stability goal will be $2000.
Educational goal? Grad Transition. Biology. History. Pass fucking Grade 12.

blitzkriegx @ 2008-04-09T21:03:00

2008-04-10T04:05:02Z

I'm frightened beyond belief at the moment. I'm hurting, I'm frustrated, I'm lonely, I'm pissed off. But mostly, I don't think anyone should be allowed to own and drive black SUVS, espoecially if they think stalking a girl on her walk home is funny. Revving your engine, cornering me against a fence..not funny.

blitzkriegx @ 2008-04-08T17:19:00

2008-04-09T00:20:24Z

I'm content. Even though Ricky, Mark and Eric seriously fail at keeping things organized. Oh the Abby Cr3w.

Have you ever felt so restless that your mind works much faster than your body and you sit there and twitch and think and generally go insane? Yeah, I thought not.

I'm obsessing, and analyzing, and twitching and being so unbelievably unproductive. MYGAWD.

but i can't be the courage at the side of your bed

2008-04-05T20:21:27Z

Try as it might, faith can’t put a dent in fact.
So we must settle for watching science reenact the world.
As if the universe was curled around this globe.
And if we consider that the universe is never ending,
Then we are not even a microbe.
We’re like a death threat from a pacifist.
We’re nothing.

My horoscope is creepily accurate today, which makes me uncomfortable for a number of reasons.
I went driving for hours last night with Anthony and Amanda, along the old familiar roads I used to drive at half-dusk. We scared ourselves silly in the dark, driving erratically along the lonely roads. We were halfway to the prison when Amanda was too creeped out to continue so she pulled a big fat u-turn and sped back the other way. I wish we'd taken Anthony's Acura for our adventure, since I trust him more driving. (Kind of sad, since both of them are erratic and tunnel-visioned most of the time) Plus, the Acura is WAY smoother than Amanda's little crap Tracker.

Anyway. I dealt with some things last night whilst driving..I also caught up with Maureen, Carleigh's lovely mother. We talked about how we need to find the Beechinors a puppy, which makes me happy. I miss their old dog, Jude. She was part of my childhood..I have so memories of pre-k through grade 4 at the big yellow Beechinor house, with their goofy black lab chasing all of us kids. It's nice to leave a house and have someone's mum jump up and hug you and say "I love you so much, I'm so proud of you!"

And I can’t prove that I have ever loved anyone.
But despite the smoking and the over weight body,
I want to grow old with you.
Go through muscle and joint pains,
To the point that every time it rains,
We can feel it in our knees.
Get arthritis so bad that every time we move,
We sound like two bowls of rice crispies.
Well snap, crackle and pop.
But we still take the time to stop and take the time.
I am looking for Atlantis.

I think I'm just stressed out with all of the stuff I have to do these days. I have a lot of homework that I keep pushing off because I'm not motivated. I have no creative muse these days. It's extremely frustrating...especially since I was reading my old journals the other night and I was thinking about love and relationships and the ones I've been in, and how I can't prove I loved any of them - I just know I did in my own way, and each way for each person was so different, but the feelings afterwards are all still the same. Ironically enough, I have to write two term papers on two different books that revolve around love and loyalty and friendship/relationships.

I suggest that you all read The Great Gatsby by Scott F. Fitzgerald and Lamb by Christopher Moore.

To Do list:
- Clean bedroom
- Edit first draft of Lamb term paper
- Organize research for Gatsby paper
- Write Gatsby paper
- Do 5 word dictionary (colloquial language)
- BIOLOGY
- Grad Transition Plan (due at the end of April!)
- Find a new job/quit Bailey's.

We are all shipwrecked on this idea that everything has to be explained.
But maybe we just need to believe that
Lemmings jump off of cliffs to prove that they love us.
And sure that sacrifice is as empty as the box of condoms
Politicians used when they that they could fuck us.
But it’s nice to believe that somebody up there cares enough to plummet onto jagged backbreaking rocks in
an attempt to tell us we’re beautiful.
Tell us that as far as life goes,
Our fingerprints are like snowflakes.
We leave them on everything.
But they melt in the time it takes to touch someone's tongue.
But if we’re lucky
Maybe we’re a member along with the sunken cities of lost continent.

I'm going through an Our Lady Peace and Shane Koyczan binge lately. I can't get enough. I thought I saw Kara last night with a bunch of drunk kids on the highway. I thought about calling her, and then I realized that if what my mom said is true...that she misses me and isn't lying through her teeth, she can call me and try to make nice. I'm not going to do that shit anymore. I will not give. If you miss me, if you want me to care about you, if you want a friendship...you can prove it to me. I'm tired of being the first one to apologize; especially since I'm perfectly warranted this time to say that our friendship was shitty, because you never tried.

This is for every time love become the finest minute in the darkest hour
This is for those who scour the streets wondering where the wild things went,
For the believers who lent us their madness.
This is for everyone we miss.
And this is for the children who are lost.

I'm looking for my Atlantis - the things that keep me sane, safe and happy.

Anberlin

2008-04-04T02:33:53Z

So let me get this straight
Say now you loved me all along
What made you hesitate
to tell me with words what you really feel?
I can see it in your eyes
you mean all of what you say
i remember so along ago, see I felt that same way
Now we both have separate lives and lovers (and lovers)
Insignificantly enough
we both have significant others

Only time will tell
Time will turn and tell

We are who we were when
Could have been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
we are who, we are who we were when

Who knew what we know now
Could have been more but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who, we are who we were when

But thoughts they change
and times they rearrange
I don't know who you are anymore
Loves come and go and this I know
I'm not who you recall anymore
But i must confess
you're so much more than I remember
Can't help but entertain
these thoughts, thoughts of us together

We are who we were when
Could have been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who, we are who we were when
Who knew what we know now
Could have been more but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who, we are who we were when

My day late friend

So let me get this straight
All these years
and you were no where to be found
And now you want me for your own
But you're a day late
and my love, she's still renowned

We are who we were when
Could have been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who, we are who we were when
Who knew what we know now
Could have been more but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who, we are who we were when

We are who we were when
Could have been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who, we are who we were when
Who knew what we know now
Could have been more but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who, we are who we were when

blitzkriegx @ 2008-04-01T20:53:00

2008-04-02T04:00:17Z

This is just another collection of my brain, I assume.

So, things are..the same, essentially. I feel stranded. I keep trying to focus, keep trying to get it together...but I'm finding it so hard to concentrate. I have so much I need to do, so much I want to get together, and I find myself losing the battle. I feel awful about myself lately. I want to be a better person and I'm stuck on how to achieve it.

I feel like certain people are holding me back, pulling me under. Is it a bad thing to want to say "Fuck you" to pretty much everyone I know and vanish to somewhere completely different again? I want a change of scenery desperately.

I'm terrified that I'm not going to graduate. I'm terrified that all of my planning, all of my goals...they're nothing. I am actually so frightened about the next two months and all of the stuff I need to do that I want more than anything to just go, and leave it and pretend it doesn't exist. But I can't sweep everything under the rug, can I?

My ear is really killing me. I have a cut that won't close on the inside of my mouth right on my gums in the back corner of my mouth. My ankles are torn to shreds. I'm full of these imperfections that are beginning to drive me nuts.

I feel secluded. I don't feel social, and yet I crave the interaction. I crave people NEEDING and WANTING my company.

Some small part of me is craving having no one to rely on or have rely on me.
I want to be alone, independent, free.

But, I am terrified. I am scared.

And I'm frustrated.

But more than anything, I miss you. And I absolutely despise it.

just a thought

2008-03-30T19:23:04Z

I don't think there is anything more satisfying than lying on my couch with the sunshine pouring into my bedroom. This, to me, marks the beginning of spring. I love the sunshine...and..procrastinating.

Mm, I smell freshly cut grass smell too. <3

mood for today.

2008-03-26T22:31:16Z

FUCK YOU YOU SELFISH TOOL, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
?Jlfhfklhgklhkfghlklhkglkhglhkl;khlg!!!!!

Fucking humanity.
/end rant.

blitzkriegx @ 2008-03-19T08:53:00

2008-03-19T17:20:57Z

My Spring Break thus far has been kind of slack, but also enjoyable. Saturday night, Kiley and I went to Erin's for about an hour, came home and went to bed. Sunday night, I hung out with the boys (Anthony, Dylan, Ryan, Tyler, Dan, Brad) and watched The Comebacks, then was driven to Travis' house, where I stayed until 3 am and walked home in the rain with him. Kind of adorable and romantic, don'tcha think? Monday, I essentially did nothing but spend time with Travis, even though I neglected my to-do list terribly. Tuesday morning, I said goodbye to TC, packed my stuff and headed to Coquitlam with my Mom to meet up with my Grandma. Instead of leaving right away, my Mom, Grandma and I entered the mall. In retrospect, it was kind of a bad idea. Our wallets are significantly emptier.

Our first stop was Ben Moss Jewellers. My mom and I were discussing my desire to purchase a grad ring, and as we walked in, a woman didn't pounce on us - she merely lured us to the aquamarine gemstones rings. (My birthstone) I tried a couple on, thinking I might as well look at different styles. The woman, and my women encouraged me to find one I liked. So, in the end, I fell in love with a white gold band, with little diamonds down one side and a paridot lime green stone. $310 later, we wander away from Ben Moss and into Garage.

Now, I've been wanting to splurge on a nice bathing suit since last summer. So, that was my goal. I tried on an adorable brown one, but I wasn't too thrilled with it. But then the sales lady saved my life. She handed me the flyer, and in the flyer was a beautiful white bathing suit with a brown and teal trim, and an exotic flower on the left side. I asked her if they had it..and these magic words were my response. "It's in the back, it just came in." I'm the first person to own that bathing suit from our local Garage haha. So I left garage with a bathing suit, a little sweater, a pair of shorts, and sweats. Because I spent copious amounts of money in Garage, I got a free beach bag. Yay! (and now I have to join the ranks of fake 'n bakers)

We took my Grandma into Reitmans after I swore never to use my debit card again. Now, my Grandma dresses like she's 5 sizes bigger than she is, so my Mom and I had fun dressing her up. She ended up buying a new modern pair of pants, and three or four summery tops and blouses. Thank god.

But all in all, our shopping trip went quite splendidly.

(I'll add more later, finish off my break stories...)

After shopping until we dropped, we women congregated for lunch.

disappointment.

2008-03-14T05:51:57Z

So, I was looking forward to getting away for the week..but I'm not going to the Kootenays anymore. Guess I'll be heading to Langley for a few instead. Langley and North Van. It'll be exciting.

blitzkriegx @ 2008-03-04T20:59:00

2008-03-05T05:10:20Z

(I should warn you, this is a huge long, garbage-y rant about how I'm feeling in regards to my birthday.)

I am at the breaking point. My birthday is Thursday. Saturday evening, I planned to have around 25ish people show up, party in my garage and backyard, and just have a general good time. I also tried to encompass the needs of other people - people who I consider my friends, my boyfriend, etc etc etc. I always try and look out for what other people want. I also try and plan surprises for other people on their birthdays. Kiley's testament to that, since I've 'thrown' her a number of 'surprise' parties at her house. I plan them, I pitch in, I make things happen. I've done it for a few people in my time.

However, after being offered a chance to change the venue to a rented banquet room (something I'd prefer, actually, because I'd hate for any of my idiot friends to do any damage to my house), Travis says "Hm, I wouldn't go if you changed it to a hotel. Not my thing. I guess I'd just come see you afterwards." Thanks, darling boyfriend of whom I respect and bend over backwards for when asked. Fuck. Plus, I'd have to pay $100 of my own money on top of buying any other party needs for this banquet room.

So even when I'm looking out for my house, I get fucked.

But just once, I was hoping someone would step up to the plate. Throw me a surprise. Surprise!
Happy 18th Birthday to me, as I plan another one that's already failing.

I'll probably cancel Saturday and end up sitting in my room or at Travis'(like usual), playing xbox or sitting around.

I hate people. Plain and simple. Right now, I'm pissed off and I'm seriously reassessing some things.

--
Adam - Tales of those who died, sword in hand in times gone by, hail to the hammer says:
North Van doesn't need any more faggots. srsly. We have enough batshit crazy dicks. Don't need another.

And that, dearies, is why adam clarke is by far one of my best friends and he has been since i was 13.

random dreams and sctuff.

2008-03-02T21:50:45Z

After being told a certain someone is crossing boundaries again, I went to sleep and slept rather well. Actually, I had a super funny dream involving Kiley, Cody and Faya.

As told to Kiley:
you and cody were in the driveway, because he wasn't allowed in the house, and you'd set up this couch and tv and table and you were eating t.v dinners and watching some really bad indie movie and I pulled up (I was driving Travis' car for some reason)and I was like "Hellloooo?" and you guys were ignoring me, and I couldn't park in the driveway because you were in my way and I honked once, and Faya comes running out in her blue housecoat carrying a cat (cody's allergic)
Ki says:
lol
hailee ;; says:
and he's like "What the hell FAYA! I know you hate me but you can't kill me!"
and you're sitting there looking really embarrassed/finding this whole thing hilarious.
and then I got out of the car and walked past you guys and went into the house and you came and knocked on my window and handed me the cat and said "Well, he's gone."

Now, dreams like this just make me love the irony in my life.
Anyway, I'm dying of some nasty cold that my darling boyfriend inflicted upon me. My birthday is Thursday, and I'm finding it weird to think I'll be 18. Next year I'll be 19. Then I'll be TWENTY. I think by the time I'm twenty, I want to be living in a two bedroom apartment with my roommate or boyfriend, have a good job at the newspaper, be attending post secondary and have my effin' license. These things are not huge feats, they CAN and WILL be done. It's just frightening.

But, I have to do my homework and go out. Ciao.

lying in bed.

2008-02-24T06:33:10Z

Contemplating the turning points my life has taken over the years.
I'm wondering where I'm going, who I'm going to be.

Today, however, I spent good quality time with Hannah and Crystal. We picnicked on the dyke, on the secluded little path. It was so wonderful to spend time with them both, driving...singing, laughing. Packing our picnic was almost as good as actually sitting and eating it.

I really want the rest of my life to start.

irony in the worst and yet best sense.

2008-02-20T15:59:35Z

Ironically enough, the writer's block question for lj today is "when was the last time you surprised yourself." The last time I surprised myself was yesterday when I went to Pitt Meadows with Malcolm to take some more pictures of the lovely 'spring' (I see it as more of fall) weather. We drove down to the new housing development at the bottom of the hill, and took the river walk down to this little pier, and sat there and talked while I took shots of the new bridge developments, the water, the moorings and the bank as well as Malcolm and this little boat. I've actually been taking some pretty rad photos lately, if I do say so myself. I want to get a few of them blown up, and I may enter a handful into some contests. Anyway, I didn't surprise myself with my photography. I surprised myself with my conversation with Princess, and his confessions.

"I don't know how to do this feeling bullshit. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that you're special to me, okay? I don't know, Hailee. You've been in my life for 5 years. For a girl, that's a long time. You know me. I don't talk to exes. So I love what we have. You're like, the best friend girlfriend, but not my girlfriend. You know what I mean. I love you, and I hate it..because you make me weak in the knees. I think we're probably in this for the long haul, but you have to like, release your hold on me. I hate this leash. I think about you and I miss you, but I can never do anything about it, because I'm with Nicole, and you're dating some guy and you have more will power than I do."

For some reason, I think I knew that all along. The kind of friendship Malcolm and I have can be weighed in desire, but it can also be weighed in terms of loyalty. Somehow, we're always brought back together at some point, even if it's a few months after no contact. It's comforting to know that he does value our 'relationship' as much as I do, in a sense.

I just found it interesting..especially if you know Malcolm, and you've seen the two of us together. It's just a simple friendship, but I adore that damn kid to death, and this song reminds me of him.

"I slipped into a house
To escape my enemies
And opened the door to another world

Of lovers and whores
But I loved you more
Than any of them and ever before

Look how close I've come
I'm far away

The universe is brought back
From the brink of destruction
Every time you smile

But I can see things clearer
It's all smoke and mirrors
Yeah you broke my fucking heart but I still want you

Look how close I've come
I'm far away

One can only guess
What would happen if
I got all my questions answered

Then we'd know for sure
Who's got the quickest draw
Who's laying dead and who's above the law

Look how close I've come
I'm far away"

But, nothing can come of it for a very long time. I can never see myself dating Mal, unless I'm thirty and ready to settle down. For now, I'm content where I am relationship wise..on one hand. Travis may frustrate me beyond belief at times, but he loves without end, and he's loyal, and he tries really hard to make things up to me when he knows he's messed up. My gorgeous flowers are testament to that, as well as all my drawings and random little notes. Is it a bad thing that I just want to find the one person I'm destined to marry and get that all started? I keep dreaming of my future family, and my house and it's actually starting to get scary.

But I'm done rambling uselessly about love, and it's different forms. I have to go to school, and I'm waiting on Sharon, but I have no idea where she is considering it's already eight o'clock and we usually leave MUCH earlier than this.

taste

2008-02-15T23:10:53Z

Not having the best week. It's just one of those days x 7.
I actually hate crying more than anything in this world, ESPECIALLY in front on an entire class of children YOUNGER than I am. So thank you, Coach, I applaud you on that one. I'm proud of my statements though, you were being very confrontational, very much a bully and you have no tact when it comes to personal matters.

Anyway, I'm going to bed.
I was productive though. I started my GTP, I did a test, I did some homework, I found out I'm passing everything still and I've slacked so much lately.